The annual Stand Up For Heroes benefit, which raises money for wounded veterans and their families via The Bob Woodruff Foundation, takes place every November when the New York Comedy Festival is in town, and Bruce Springsteen has an off-day in his tour schedule. This year’s event at David Geffen Hall on Monday night featured performances by Springsteen and Norah Jones and comedy sets by Jon Stewart, Jerry Seinfeld, Jim Gaffigan, and Mark Normand. Questlove served as the DJ.
It’s a non-political show by nature, but since it happened to take place just six days after the presidential election, it was very hard for some of the performers to avoid at least some talk of what had just gone down. “It’s been a crazy week and a half,” Normand said. “I think Biden woke up on Wednesday and said, ‘Did I win?’ He seems like a nice guy, but that’s a full diaper. Poor Kamala. I’m still getting texts from her. The last one went, ‘You up?’ She really blew it, and she lost the election.”
Jon Stewart came from a taping of The Daily Show, and he centered much of his set around Trump and the impact of the election. “I taped the election,” he said. “Don’t tell me what happened…People keep saying Kamala didn’t talk about enough policy proposals. Trump went onstage and talked about Arnold Palmer’s dick. There’s nothing Kamala Harris could have done. She’d be talking about housing vouchers, and he’s singing ‘Ava Maria.’ But I will say this. We saved democracy, but just for the wrong motherfucker.”
Jim Gaffigan made no reference to the election or even his recent stint on Saturday Night Live as Governor Tim Walz. Instead, he delivered a hilarious riff about people rushing through airports. “Whenever I see those people, I always have the same thought,” he said. “‘I hope they don’t make it.’ That may sound harsh, but how are they going to learn? I have been that person numerous times, running through the airport, desperately trying to make my flight. And that is a public shaming on so many levels. It’s revealed that you really don’t know how to tell time. It’s also revealed to everyone in the airport that you’re really out of shape. It doesn’t help that I’m usually carrying a Wendy’s bag.”
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Jerry Seinfeld received the biggest laughs of the night, sticking largely to material about AI, coffee and tea, and lessons he’s learned from marriage. “Marriage is adult education,” he said. “My degree is in wife-ology, which is the study of fine female facial movement: eyebrow angle, dental alignment, nostril expansion, oxygen for enhanced emotional expressiveness. Being a wife is an art. Being a husband is a science. We calculate. We listen for louder than usual closing of doors and drawers. ‘That sounded different. Something is happening.’”
The musical portion of the evening kicked off with Norah Jones sitting down at a piano and playing tender renditions of “Don’t Know Why,” “Little Broken Hearts,” and “American Anthem.” It continued when Springsteen came out for acoustic renditions of “The Power of Prayer,” “Land of Home and Dreams,” “Dancing In the Dark, and “Long Walk Home,” which he introduced as a “small prayer for our country.” He didn’t refer to the election, but it wasn’t necessary. (Patti Scialfa was on the bill but didn’t make an appearance.)
Springsteen also kept with his longstanding Stand Up For Heroes tradition of telling a joke prior to every song. We’ll repeat them here in full:
-“A guy and his girl go to see the doctor. Doctor says, ‘Congratulations, she’s pregnant.’ The guy gets the doctor alone and goes, ‘Doc, that’s impossible. I’m religious about practicing safe sex. I always use protection. I never had a rip or a tear.’ The doctor goes, ‘Son, let me tell you a story. There’s a hunter. He carries a gun every time he goes hunting. One day, he wakes up and decides to carry his umbrella instead of his gun. On that particular day, a lion leaps out from a bush and stands right in front of him. By instinct, he raises the umbrella. ‘Bam!’ The lion falls over dead. The guy says, ‘Doc, that’s impossible. Some other guy must have shot it.’”
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-“A wife wants to do this really nice thing for her husband on his birthday, so she takes him to the strip club. They go to the front door, and the doctor says, ‘Hey, how are you doing?’ The wife goes, ‘Honey, how does he know your name?’ ‘Oh, he’s in my bowling league. I play with him every Tuesday.’ They go into the club, sit down, the waitress comes up, plops a Budweiser right in front of him, and goes, ‘Would you like the usual, Dave?’ Wife goes, ‘Honey, how does that woman know what you drink and your name?’ ‘Oh, she’s in the Ladies Auxiliary Blowing League. We have lanes next to each other.’ Finally, the strippers come out. One of them sits on the table and goes, ‘Dave, do you want your table dance?’ That’s it. The wife has had enough. She’s outside. She’s in a taxi. Dave is running his ass after her. He gets in the taxi. She’s giving him everything in the book. She is holding nothing back. The taxi driver turns around and goes, ‘Dave, that’s some bitch you picked up tonight.’”
-“A bakery burns down. The business is toast.”
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-“Guy goes into the library. He says to the librarian, ‘Where do you keep books on paranoia?’ She goes, ‘Shh. They’re behind you.’”
In years back, Springsteen would participate in the nightly auction and offer up guitar lessons and even a lasagna dinner at his house to the highest bidder. This time around, the auctioneer merely asked for straight donations to the charity, which has raised over $113 million since its formation in 2006. This year’s show pulled in $29 million, including a $25 million gift from Craig’s List Founder Craig Newmark.
